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Paraprosdokian Index
(Items in RED being edited)

I got a little behind in my work today. I backed into a table saw. (Provided by George Leverett of Alterwind, you really should visit this!)
Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
If I agree with you, we'd both be wrong.
We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
War does not determine who is right. Only who is left.
Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
Evening news is where they begin with 'Good Evening' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.
Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says 'In case of emergencey, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR'.
I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was blaming you.
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down a street with a bald head and a beer gut and think they are sexy.
Behind every successful man is a woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.
I was going to ask god for a bike, but I know that God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked God for forgiveness.
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
Money can't buy happiness. But it sure makes misery easier to live with.
There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.
You're never too old to learn something stupid.
To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
Change is inevitable. Except from a vending machine.
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
A diplomat is someone who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you look forward to the trip.
Hospitality is making your guests feel at home even when you wish they were.
When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember the Fire Department usually uses water.
Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather, not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?
Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like a banana.
Oh, flowers are as common here, Miss Fairfax, as people are in London.
If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough.
A problem is only a fact that someone is resisting.
The only thing that interferes with my learning is my education.
He taught me housekeeping. When I divorce him, I keep the house.
Before you criticize a man, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, you will be a mile away and he won’t have any shoes.
I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.
Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves.
The day before something is a breakthrough, it's a crazy idea.
Atheism is always not for prophet.
She often stood outside in order to be outstanding.
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"
If I could say a few words, I would be a better public speaker.
Go to heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
Being second is to be the first of the ones who lose.
Everything comes to those who wait... except a cat.
The car stopped on a dime, which unfortunately was in a pedestrian’s pocket.
Two guys walked into a bar. The third one ducked.
A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it.
I discovered I scream the same way whether I’m about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the precipitate.
The saying ‘Getting there is half the fun’ became obsolete with the advent of commercial airlines.
A fool and his money are soon elected.
I always take life with a grain of salt… plus a slice of lemon… and a shot of tequila.
I used to be conceited, but now I’m perfect.
I was going to read “The Power of Positive Thinking,” but then I thought, what the *** good would that do
“Power corrupts. Absolute power is kinda neat!”
Of all the people I’ve ever met, you could be one of them.
SMILE: world smiles with you, GRUNT? ! sell a 1,000,000 records.
With legs like those you should go to Hollywood, the walk would do you good.
There’s a bunch of different crunches that affect the abs, my favorite is Nestle.
When I was 10, I beat up the school bully. His arms were in casts. That’s what gave me the courage.
I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they’d never expect it.
You can always count on Americans to do the right thing, after they’ve tried everything else.
Consider the people who are the least modest, they are the ones with the most to be modest about.
My wife got her good looks from her father, he’s a plastic surgeon.
Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.
If you can’t sleep, count sheep. Don’t count endangered animals. You will run out.
A fly was very close to being called a land, because that’s what it does half the time.
I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. “Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple! I will be rich, you will be cute. We both win.”
I had a chicken finger that was so big, it was a chicken hand.
I got binoculars ’cause I don’t want to go that close.
I can read minds, but I’m illiterate.
I got a belt on that’s holding up my pants, and the pants have belt loops that hold up the belt. What’s going on here? Who is the real hero?
I had the cab driver drive me here backwards, and the dude owed me $27.50.
Kittens play with yarn, they bat it around. What they’re really doing is saying, “I can’t knit, get this away from me!”
I met this girl, she was an actress, and she gave me her number. It started with 555.
If you don’t know a light bulb is a three-way light bulb, it messes with your head. You reach to turn it off, and it just gets brighter! That’s the exact opposite of what I wanted you to do! So you turn the switch again, and it gets brighter once more! I will break you, light bulb!
I went to a restaurant with my friend, and he said, “Pass the salt.” I said, “Screw you! Sit closer to the salt.”
Imagine if the headless horseman had a headless horse. That would be chaos. I would think that if you were the headless horseman’s horse, you would be very confused. “I don’t think this dude can see.”
I belong to no organized party. I am a (Insert political party here).
If you are going through hell, keep going.
I haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long.