Inspired by Steve Martin's character in 'Roxanne', I wanted a list of original insults, for someone truly deserving, that I could just riddle off. In spite of the inspiration, and effort, I haven't actually finished this and have never run into a situation where it would actually have been useful.

1. You are two assholes in one pair of pants.
2. You are proof that brothers and sisters shouldn't marry.
3. Most people call it the 90s. You call it the fifth grade.
4. Under the ball cap, circumcision scar, right?
5. You studied for your last urine test.
6. You are the science officer in the flat earth society.
7. You think that having a favorite sports team makes you an athletic supporter.
8. Your age, IQ, sperm count and number of fingers are roughly the same. (probably delete)
9. You are Webster's number two definition of jerk. Wait, they just moved you to number one.
10. Subliminal-pertaining to the sublime. Autumnal-pertaining to autumn. Intellectual-pertaining to intellect. Scrotumnal-pertaining to you.
11. You would be the perfect douchebag... if it weren't for that tiny nozzle.
12. You couldn't donate your brain to science because they don't accept small donations.
13. You dropped out of animal husbandry class when you found out it didn't mean what you thought it did.
14. I saw a sheep look at you the other day... she looked nervous. Now I know why. (may delete, too closely related to #13)
15. Asshole is not really a gender on a work application but for you they made an exception.
16. I'll give you a penny for your thoughts. Can you make change?
17. You are the reason congress is legalizing retroactive abortions.
18. Your wife asked you to pick her up some Spanx and you brought home two hookers because you wanted some too.
19. The only reason you wouldn't see your own intestinal polyps is focal distance.
20. I'd ask what the hell is the matter with you but we don't have that much time.

(Will probably rearrange order)